I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
