everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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