I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
