I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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