i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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