That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
