Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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