You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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