My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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