My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
as a side note pls kill me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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