Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
