hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
