The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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