had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize