Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
