Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you still have your period?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
