Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
