Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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