TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
