There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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