I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
