I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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