I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize