Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
