Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
