thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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