Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
