Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
