I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
