what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
