How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
