Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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