Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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