saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
