I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
