I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Rumble strips road head = magical
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize