capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
