i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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