Soap is not a condiment
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
