come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
