Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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