I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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