i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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