I think my vagina is haunted
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
