if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
