When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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