WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just puked most of my soul out..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
