I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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