I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
