my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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