look no pants
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
