I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
