i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
