I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You made out with two different species that night
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
