it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
