I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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