Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hippo gnu deer
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
