I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
