Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
